he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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