did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
