I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
