Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
