My Higher Power is John Stamos
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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