TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
