This is not my ceiling
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
