i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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