I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
