this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
