Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
