Don't you send me to vm
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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