i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
