You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
