I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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