please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Last time i carry you out of a forest
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
