i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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