This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
