My first STD was from a foam party
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
