After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
