Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
