Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
