I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
