I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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