sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
