We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
