I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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