my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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