hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
