He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
