I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
i now understand why vodka
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
