I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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