I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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