Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
