i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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