I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
