I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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