Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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