we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Holy sore nipples Batman
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
