There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
