Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
