Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
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