I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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