why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
