im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
