you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's not a walk of shame if you run
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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