Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
