Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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