If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
