Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
