I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
